Stop the whirlpool

How do I stop the flowing of agonising thoughts from spinning around my head?

Why do I carry such luggage around?

Where am I planning on staying?

I lay here and I still hit the wall with the complete unacceptable reality that has played out for me over 12months 

Even longer if I am honest 

What happened? When did I stumble on the hornets nest?

What did I do to end up here?

I had a marriage, I had my health, I was doing well at work 

We had found our forever home 

But that place saw the demise

The demise of my life as I knew it 

It all crumbled away like an old wooden shed 

It had been rotting for years

But I hadn’t seen it 

I barely visited it 

Didn’t take care of it

The paint was never going to cover up the damage that was spreading 

I cry tears of salt as I struggle with it all 

Stages of grief aren’t easy 

Such solace 

Such sadness 

Such an earthquake 

But this time, we didn’t survive … 

Won’t forget you

So I came to sort my meds but I’ve grabbed a coffee too 

I had your choice of drink and some cake like you would, too 

I was quite ok but then I heard your song and in that moment I could have cried 

I look around this shop and I’m hit with memories 

Which is strange as we’ve never been here 

You hated shops but would have liked this one 

Lots of aisles but very quiet

It reminds me of the trips we had getting garden furniture 

Or the times we went crazy for Xmas dinner 

All those moments and conversations

Getting excited by buying for our houses 

New towels and supplements 

Shower gels and deodrants

It feels surreal that we are at this junction 

That it collided and ended all of a sudden 

It actually hurts to think of life without you 

But I know that it’s started and that’s the way it’s become 

I would always have you to answer my questions to give me guidance and advice and patience 

But with that no more it feels quite lonely 

Dying our hair and choosing the dinners 

Diets and adulting 

It was so fun 

The early days the best 

The memories flow by and tears fall down 

Because I know that was over for a long time

We became tired and same old 

We struggled to find smiles in the queues

We avoided time out at all costs 

Stayed in and had it delivered was the decision we lived with 

It took away the excitement of buying 

Of being together and coupling 

For the chats about plans and our future 

Became silent and left with barely a mutter 

The laughing and flirting became Netflix and chill

The gaming took over our time at will

It became the new normal and harder to find the path back 

For the more we carried on the more we forgot

The dates flew by and the passion went stale 

The passion for us and creating our fairytale

Instead it was screens of distraction 

Followed by grief and horrific diagnosis 

The treatment took away the dignity 

The pain took away the fancy 

So I sit here and remember all of the fun 

The absolute complete that I had felt 

That we created a home from a white walled building 

To have a house with boxes and bags in 

The life and soul had left the party 

It had left behind a white noise so nasty

That it left us hurt and scared and lonely

And with nothing more than the thoughts that I type now

The cuddles and comfort are no longer 

The sale of our house is ever nearer 

The rings are in boxes away from the sunshine 

And our love ended 

There’s no more to say now 

For the things I never said

When I look back at the series of memories that fall into my lap 

I see the tears that I had hidden 

I see the sadness in my eyes as you explained why you had lied to me about something to do with this or that 

I see me struggling to accept the door that you continually shut in front of me 

As I put a glass to the door forcing my ears to hear 

Pick up any sound it could muster 

Only to not understand the noises 

To be unable to create the words you both muttered 

To be left out of your important conversations hurt 

I will never forget the torment and confusion you caused me that day I came back home 

To see my personal battles all strewn out on the floor 

And to listen to your disturbed disgusted voice and tone belittle me in my place 

You had been through my things, my personal struggles and written encounters with the confusion and isolation my sexuality had created 

That feeling of not knowing the language I spoke 

To find yourself scrawling out messy words

But for you to just mock me 

To find myself having to apologise for what and who I was 

The girl I had been 

Was the most cruelest example I can remember and one I hate to remember at all 

What did I think I was doing 

Did I think that letting you drag your nails through my past, and look down at me for the words I’d muttered into pages 

Times of my life that I needed to understand 

And by finding courage in either typing or writing 

For you to put me down like that 

No forgiveness will ever reach me for that 

Poor young girl 

Poor young girl looking for guidance and direction from the damaged lot 

From the absent, from the hollow soul of others 

I can see her now 

I can see her on her knees 

Piling up the most innocent, yet tragically honest words into a carrier bag, ready for the rubbish  

Apologising for being who she was 

Crying and begging you to stay with her, be with her

Early days but such painful times 

Such hard realities to revisit 

Red flags were not a thing back then 

We never used those terms 

We didn’t see the beacon of light flashing as we made the mistakes 

Blinding us until our eyes were streaming from the light 

And I don’t blame myself now 

I don’t hold a grudge 

I accept the naivety and the innocence and the trust that I went into all that with 

It may have been dark but I thought my torch would light the way 

I didn’t see the walls around me as I focused on the floor 

The written warnings all around me 

Of people before me 

I didn’t see the tell-tale signs of difference and non compatibility 

I just saw the rocks and stones and stained floors 

I trusted the love bombing 

I trusted the guide 

She convinced me 

She made me believe 

Believe in the unproven non-real world 

The doomed fairytale 

But that doesn’t mean I feel nothing 

No that would be me lying 

For that may have been the start but it wasn’t the middle 

And we approached so many hurdles and helped eachother through the hardest level of assault course I’d ever experienced 

We did that 

But in the end 

Our truth was reignited 

Our days were numbered 

Our time had ended 

For all the things I never said 

I carry no regret 

I see lessons learned 

And a second chance 

A second chance to go out there and try again 

Try again 

The final act

And for this final act 

Turn on all of the lights 

Don’t let any shadows form on this stage 

For now the plot is revealed 

Finally we hit the penultimate moments of this wretched tragedy 

We all assumed it was such a love story to start with 

But the sheep’s wool soon fell down to reveal that wolf 

So now as the final lines are revealed 

The reality of this truth fills the room with a fog 

We can barely take in our breath 

We keep thinking back to the big W day 

To the first and second house thinking surely they were built to last 

Like an old Welsh cottage 

Through all those storms and winds

Not this one however 

This was built on lies and deceit 

This was built without a thought for the future 

Especially after the C arrived and spoilt plans

Took us all on a detour that did 

Especially for me 

I felt utterly heartbroken at the news 

But I kept going 

I dug deeper 

I had so many lies under my nails from fighting for our marriage

You had so much hidden in cupboards it became overwhelming 

What did you want to me to do

Scream? Hurt myself? Cry out for you?

You might’ve been sat in front of me but emotionally you had packed up and left us months ago 

I won’t believe that you did this rushed but also I don’t think it’s been for as long as you tell yourself 

I think me becoming ill was your final nail 

For me it was the start of the unravelling of torn seams left strewn from so many years of botched jobs fixing it in different colours of material 

Trying to turn our demise into a fashion piece

To be an idol to the way society was heading 

Smile for the gram but cover the reality of emptiness

For that’s all you ever were 

Nothing I ever loved 

I was fooled 

You got me 

Like a silly joke you play on kids 

But this was my life 

My health my heart and my present 

All flipped up like a badly arranged dinner table 

You had created an arrangement that made my muscles ache and my feelings hurt 

You had turned me into a blank expressionless person 

I can never forget it 

It will take time to move past this

But I assure you as the curtains are drawn and the cast take their final bow we are pleased this run is over 

The audience leaves with a lump in their throat as they grieve what could have been 

Had this been a fantasy 

For you were never real 

You had written the story as you did daily 

And when you got bored with the character, me 

You ripped it all up and started again 

Letting you go

I can honestly say I never saw this day coming

Yes it was never perfect but it was what I had and what I was happy with

There were some pretty low times between us but even after that we were OK

When I got the news of my health and it being such a serious diagnosis I immediately shut down

I knew you couldn’t deal with it

I knew I had to hold myself up 

You seemed to just disappear as each day passed by

The pain of losing a part of my body was grief I can never explain

Yes it was taking away the tumour but it was my body and something I still to this day can’t quite process 

There were such dark times 

And you had always been my light

But you were nowhere to be seen

You just vanished

The nights got lonelier as you spent them out with people who you’d known such a short time 

Over me, who you’d been with almost 8 years

I could see the deadness in your eyes 

I could not convince myself of any other excuse other than the burning brightness of you had let me go

It’s such a hard pill to swallow

Realising your whole life is changing 

Without your control

Without your fault

No blame

Just pain and surgery and treatment that strips away all you ever had taking you to the core in the hope of ridding you of a disease that will surely take with it, your life

But with all this as well?

No passion or compassion

Just anger and disgust 

Boaring into me as I sat there in pain from chemo 

No energy to fight for us 

Can’t win a losing battle

Can’t fight if you are not even looking up

You had no intention of saving this ship

We were truly doomed and you did not even look back to see the damage

You were pages ahead in this twisted tale 

I was just a bystander in the end

Watching as you took it all away from me

The memories snapped into pictures existed now as only memories 

The kindness in your eyes had died

That look I used to fear was now the constant

I cry because I miss it

I cry because I thought it was deeper than it ever was

It was only ever surface level and that hurts to accept

I gave myself to you 

Fully and unapologetically 

And you didn’t even pick it up

Not really 

Not really

I tried 

I always met you halfway

I did all I could 

I was not always right but I did try 

I will just have to stop looking over my shoulder

You were never behind me 

You were never trying to catch me up

We weren’t even on the same page

Our story has been written

The ending was abrupt but coming 

Just like the rings in the boxes hidden out of sight

The pictures boxed up and never to see the light

We are done 

It will take some time to really move passed it all

But that is the only path I have 

KP nuts

Over and out 

Lights out 

Door closed 

Through the rain

Get up even in the cold rooms 

Heating is not needed today

For today you are leaving 

The bags piled high in what was once a happy love filled room 

The clothes strewn on the bed as you decide what you want right now and what can wait 

The cats sit in boxes on the floor watching you 

Tears fall

This has got to be a joke right 

Sick little joke that no one laughs at

Just awkward silence filling the air 

But no, no it’s not

It’s real

The rings that once sat around my fingers showing devotion and commitment are now boxed up and cold

The fingers look bare and alone

Like I felt those nights before the final sentence was given on our whole relationship 

The history was not even given in evidence 

It was just decision made and case closed 

No desire to fight for it 

No desire to change the sentence or even negotiate 

You were done and the finality of it all was so cold, so stern and so emotionless

I have spent some time building my heart and mind back up 

Like my life hasn’t been tough enough after the big C crashed the party last year 

Leaving behind a tumour that would threaten my life 

With treatment that would push me to the brink 

With insomnia and pain being the shadow that followed me for days and weeks after 

But no you had more up your sleeve 

Like the magic show turn horror

You had more to serve

The end of a marriage and a life I had come to rely on so heavily through all these chaotic paths I was being led upon 

I could barely catch my breath at moments 

They would drag me from my gravity and hurl me into such dismay 

Those two beauts looking at me with questions 

My cats were my crutch through it all 

Those long days that never ended, in pain and isolation were warmed by their presence 

And now I’m without that 

I sit with my whole life in boxes and bags 

Charity aplenty as I shed my past

As I shed my skin 

As I rebuild my heart and soul 

As my gut screams loud with I told you so 

The lights from cars break my stare 

The lights in my garden which once brought some peace, now bring fear 

For I am now to rebuild 

Rebuild in my weakest chapter 

Rebuild as my body fights this illness 

Rebuild my life 

Choose my new home 

Choose my new life 

Find myself once more 

I know I will 

My higher self always had my back 

She has never left my side 

I do not feel alone because I am not 

This is a fight for my life 

A fight for my smile and happiness 

My heart will be ok 

My family gather together and protect me 

They collect me and my possessions and they fit them in

They create the security and protection that I want and need 

They hug me tight 

They give me the warmth and support that I always needed

That I always had

My pooches will be with me soon 

My life is in build mode 

I have unlimited choices 

When one door closes 

Another becomes ajar 

I will be ok 

I trust in my creator 

And that creator is me 

This too shall pass

Today was the end of a long time coming 

I can recall the whole ordeal like a distorted scary movie you saw as a youngster that never left your mind 

The dates the expressions, the punchy one liners after diagnosis to the white noise that squealed so loud my ears bled after the separation 

The days that hit me so hard, that I didn’t think I’d ever see the light again in that tunnel 

The tunnel… had never been so long 

And to walk it alone is not easy 

Over these months though my fears I had have diminished 

Blood tests, weight being measured, admissions to hospitals, needles, pain, fatigue, nausea, dehydration, facing mortality, isolation, financial struggles, abandonment, separation, losing parts of your body and battling with parts of your mind 

The side effects varied 

Peripheral neuropathy and morphine were never what I’d known about until this time 

This year has been endless and yet this part is done

This year has broken me 

Yet today I rang the bell for completion 

My emotions are lost in a cluster fcuk of thoughts emotions bewilderment and anger 

They can’t be, because I’m feeling it all simultaneously 

They can’t escape because I’m locked up 

What is all this nonsense 

How was this ever possible 

How have I done it

How did I carry on 

This is not a battle with cancer 

This is a war with yourself 

You have to trust fast and dig so deep your hands will never heal from the dragging of ruins below you 

The hole is dark and you are covered in all the scars and pain and poison flows around your body like a power cut on your health 

You have to witness your appearance change in ways no Snapchat filter could ever really prepare you for 

You have to watch the fear and pain deepen and embed in everyone you knows eyes

You have to drag yourself out of bed in agony you could never describe to just shower and eat 

You can’t keep your breath at 36 when you’ve spent 3 years lifting weights 

You get dizzy making a coffee 

Too much is taken but you sign the contracts and you accept the consequences because life is important 

Yes it’s a new world for me now 

Yes it’s a new process 

Plans will not be as they once were and patience is my new religion 

I am being kind to myself because I have to be, yet, I mourn my previous life and body 

My path is different but it’s the clearest path I’ve ever seen 

My life is different but it is what it is, and I will live it to the full 

My heart is hurt, but will heal 

My bodies scarred, but is stronger 

My mind is baffled, but is finding the answers and the storage for processing and moving forward 

 

Today marked the end of 8 cycles of chemo 

Four EC with 4 admissions

Four Paclitaxal with 2 admissions 

Picc Line in and then out 

Blood results were up every test, even when I caught Covid 

Weight gained but due to meds

Codeine and morphine for pain 

I rang the bell today 

And I am proud of myself 

Because after all the fear tears and sleepless nights 

I’m at the light in this tunnel 

I’ve got respite to come and then I go again!